Birther of The Art of the “Yuge”


It was the first time, and it wouldn’t be the last. Baby Donald had just uttered his first words of gibberish. It was a ‘Yuge‘ moment in The Donald’s life (which were of course soon eclipsed by about a billion other ‘Yooge’ moments within the next 3 minutes of his life, but I digress) – that I can tell ya. I guarantee it. Little Donnie’s life consisted of so much winning that he got bored of it all and instead started whining and being an attention-craving little drama-queen – I can tell ya that for sure. But I digress again, not unlike The Donald himself.

Mama Donald looked on with a sense of overjoyed awe as Baby Donald made utterly nonsensical sounds through guttural vocalizations consisting of grunting sounds, unintelligible garbles and plain gobbledygook. Papa Donald was also ecstatic to see the orange-haired cretin as someone who would go on to carry forward the ‘Drumpf‘ name and legacy (while carrying the rest of society backwards in time, but I go off on a tangent again). They both looked on appreciatively at his healthy jaundiced pallor. It didn’t occur to them that had created a Genetically Superior Pure-Blood Libert-Aryan Fraud-Business Chick-Magnet; that they were in-fact Proud Birthers.

Papa Donald had just finished cradling his little bundle-of-fat and gently clasping his pudgy fingers, when he got out his checkbook and signed on-the-spot a million dollar loan in the name of The Donald – while his coterie of sycophantic Trust-Fund Golf-Buddies bore witness. Other families of lesser means might not be able to provide a super head-start for their kid on account of being ‘total losers‘ or ‘goofy pocahontas‘ or being pesky rapist immigrants or bimbos bleeding out of their wherever.

But not The Drumpfs. Not The Donald. Drumpf Sr. was going to make gosh darn sure of that. He was not going to hesitate to provide Affirmative Action to even the playing-field for the benefit of the physically, mentally, emotionally and psychologically challenged Donnie – who would of course go on to scam his way through and spout incendiary rhetoric undermining socio-economic equity-promoting actions for genuinely disadvantaged groups. The irony wasn’t lost on any of them.

Soon, Little Donnie would go onto Make Ambulatory Gestures Again – another ‘bigly win for him. Those kids in Asian and China had been beating ‘Murican kids for far too long in all the things that mattered – like Science, Maths, Technology and Engineering. And now, here was Baby Donald – the great last big hope for salvation and redemption of ‘Murica’s Deep-South sole. For he was growing up with a mission to introduce a little anarchy, upset the established order and turn everything into chaos – a true agent of chaos.

Both parents had such Yuge Hopes for their son. Baby Donald’s nonsense-speak was sweet music to their ears. They thought they were listening to the first historic steps of the first man on the moon, and that as the years passed by, there would be evolution and sophistication and increasing complexity of thought, action and behavior. They thought that The Donald would go on to ‘grow’ into a well-adjusted adult capable of coherent speech and embodying a ‘mature’ spirit, accumulating wisdom and grace with age.

Little did they know … that The Donald would carry on for 70 odd years (and counting!), becoming a prolific authoritative (and authoritarian) expert in the fine-art of spewing yuge amounts of utter narcissistic garbage. And that the only thing he would go on to accumulate (apart from wives, bankruptcies, worldwide notoriety, unchecked narcissism and the misguided adulation of a small subset of fear/paranoia-driven Humans whose basest/worst/tribal instincts got the better of them) … was yuge near-universal ‘total loser’ levels of scorn and a relentless stream of merciless mocking ridicule – all of it thoroughly well-deserved of course – that I can tell ya!

As far as The Donald and absurd disjointed lunatic ravings go together: it might have been the first time, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last. But now that he’s inexplicably (and incredulously) got an okay-ish chance of becoming POTUS Genghis Khan, it might very well be the first and last time for the world in general … “Make World Fascist Again!” … Time to take a nervous gulp and prepare for the time when we all chorus in unison: “Sieg Heil Führer Drumpf!” … Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that though. Let’s hope Obama is right about the American people … *EDIT-24Nov*: Turns out, Obama was wrong to be hopeful. Time for an “End of the World Party“. Aah well, might as well go down in style.

[Written in Response to the WordPress Discover-Challenge Write-Prompt “Opening Line” – which was to write a blog-post (can be anything) with the opening-line “It was the first time, and it wouldn’t be the last.” … Mirrored on my Medium Page]

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